"Weeks and Weeks"

Amanda Hobbs

"Weeks and Weeks"
Friday, June 24, 2016

I know it has been a while since I have updated my blog and I apologize to all of you that were waiting to hear how things are going. I also want to say that I appreciate all of you and I have been so overjoyed to hear that so many people are reading this!! 


We wanted to keep our pregnancy a secret until we felt a little more confident that our little angel was going to stick around.  I know, excuses... but really, I think it was the best thing to do and I feel like most people would agree.


I want to start by saying that in absolutely no way, shape, or form am I complaining or bragging. I know how it feels to be the heartbroken, sad girl on the receiving end of another person's good news/complaints about pregnancy. I may be pregnant right now but I will never forget what that feels like. My heart goes out to all of you that are still in the struggle and I pray that all of you will get to experience the joys of pregnancy and parenthood someday.


So, as you all know, this process has not been the easiest for us. Getting pregnant has been my life's greatest feat.  And apparently staying pregnant is pretty hard too.  Of course this couldn't just be the easy part...


If you read my previous post, you know that we had a few positive beta hcg tests. It is the craziest thing, even though you hear that you're pregnant and you see the numbers, you still just don't quite believe it. At least I didn't. I just wanted to feel like it was real somehow. After all of the bad news, treatments, failed transfers, miscarriage and emotional struggles we had been through, there was no way we were allowed to be happy. There was no way we were lucky enough for all of that to end.


Well, I believe it now. It has been a tough road (I will tell you all about that) but it is true! I am finally pregnant and couldn't be happier.



When we were in the early stages, 5 weeks and 3 days to be exact, I ended up having to go in to see the doctor because of our first little issue. I woke up that morning and something wasn't right. I felt really strange and I was having some really bad cramps on my left side. I immediately called the fertility clinic and asked to have another blood draw just for piece of mind through the weekend since it was a Friday.

I got up and threw a cap on, brushed my teeth and went in. As I was waiting my pains just got worse and worse; they were so bad that could hardly stand up straight. I got my labs done and went back out to my car and I just knew that I shouldn't be leaving. I called the fertility clinic again and explained what was going on and they said to stay there and they would order an emergency sonogram to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.


So, while I was waiting for the sonogram I went to the restroom and I had started bleeding. Great, just what I needed. I instantly started crying, I just knew I was having a miscarriage again. The doctor didn't help my concern either. After the sonogram we sat down with the on call OB (because I didn't have one yet) and he explained that they saw a gestational sac in the uterus but it was too early to tell if there was another forming in the tubes. Also, they did not see they yolk sac or the fetal pole and at this point in pregnancy they usually do; my pregnancy was most likely not progressing like it should and I should start preparing myself for a miscarriage. He told me that we would repeat the sonogram on Monday just to be sure.


I am sure that you can imagine what a nervous wreck I was all weekend. It was the only thing I could think about; I couldn't sleep or eat.  I was just miserable. How on earth does one prepare for a miscarriage??

In the meantime, my pains got less intense and I stopped bleeding.


Monday came around and I went in for my sonogram. I was so terrified that we would still be staring at an empty sac. I honestly didn't even want to look...

I cried my eyes out when the tech said she could see the yolk sac and the beginnings of the fetal pole!  Mr. H even got a little teary-eyed. What a wonderful feeling, to know that your baby is there. I could see it with my own eyes. I could believe it now. Well, mostly, I was still scared but I knew it was real now. I felt slightly more confident walking out of there but I still wanted to be cautiously optimistic. In more good news, they still did not see another sac forming in the tubes. Here is our little fetal pole and yolk sac.


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I wanted to make sure my little's heart was beating before I could really be confident. My heartbeat sonogram was scheduled for one week later, I would be 6 weeks and 5 days.


I never knew I had so much love in my heart... When I heard that little heartbeat for the first time, I melted. That was my whole world, right there on that screen. Crocodile tears of joy! I will never be able to explain that feeling. All I know is I will never forget it. Here is the picture we got at the heartbeat scan. So tiny!!


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That was the best day of my life so far but our joy was short lived.


The following Saturday, I started bleeding again. When I say bleeding, I don't mean spotting. I mean bright red and a lot of it. I immediately called the clinic and they told me that they would order another sonogram for Monday and to just wait it out. If I was going to have a miscarriage, there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.

Monday comes and I could hardly contain my fear at this appointment. I was still bleeding, although it was less, and I still had some cramping occasionally. I was 7 weeks and 5 days at this point.

I told the tech what was going on and then she started the sonogram. She didn't say one single word to me the whole time and the look on her face told me to be scared. I cried through the entire exam. As soon as she was finished she went to get the doctor. I got dressed and waited.


About 10 minutes later they both walked in the room and the doctor started talking to me. Basically, in a nutshell, this is what she said. I had developed something called a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH- a bleed between the gestational sac and the uterus) and that there was an even bigger problem. The SCH was feeding into a blood clot and the clot/bleed was much larger than others she has seen in the past. It was already causing my gestational sac to have an irregular shape (It looked like a starfish; it is supposed to be round) and if it continued to get bigger it would likely cause the gestational sac to collapse, essentially suffocating the baby. I asked her if there was any chance that my baby could survive this or if there was anything we could do. She said that unfortunately its a waiting game and there is no way to know but that she did not feel optimistic about it. She said that while SCH's are very common, she had not ever seen one as big as mine this early and the fact that the clot, at this point, was bigger than the baby and almost as big as the gestational sac didn't make her think that my pregnancy would last for much longer. She scheduled a repeat sonogram for a week later and told me she was sorry.


Seriously!!!! What does a girl have to do to catch a break? I mean all of this stress could not have been good for the baby.


By this time I had talked with an OB and got an appointment set up immediately. I saw her a week later and she confirmed what the other doctor told me but said that the shape of the sac was much better. She said that it was a good sign but that she wanted me to take it easy and by easy she meant bed rest. We couldn't get a picture of the entire clot but we got a picture of the top of it with the baby in there too. Hint: it's the big white spot!!


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Guys! Bed rest blows! I know it was for a good cause but man it was the pits. I couldn't do anything and then I couldn't sleep at night because I wasn't tired and my legs were so restless from inactivity. I was so bored, my body hurt all over and to top it all off, morning sickness set in.


That was the longest 4 weeks ever. I have decided that I never want to do that again. And I also think that morning sickness is for the birds... I was sick all day long, everyday, over everything. I lost about 7 pounds but I think I would have lost a lot more if I hadn't been able to stomach Ramen and PB&J's. Thank God for kid food! 


My next appointment was scheduled for two weeks later but I will save that for another post.  I did have a few days in between where I started bleeding again but right at 9 weeks I was able to hear the little heartbeat on my fetal doppler and that gives me reassurance, even to this day.


My biggest goal so far has been to make it to 12 weeks. 12 weeks is such a milestone and for me it can't get here fast enough. It is the craziest thing. I have never fully understood the saying, the days are long but the years are short, until now. These days seem to drag on and on because I am so anxious to get there but I know one day I will look back and think, "Man that flew by." I will miss this one day. Time to enjoy!


It's just me and you, little one.