Amanda Hobbs

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

How in the world can I explain the feelings that I have? There are so many.

As the time gets closer to our 3rd and final transfer of our first round of IVF, my feelings are all over the place.

I am excited, but I don't want to be... every single time I've been excited so far, I've been let down. And not just a little let down, I mean like a huge, heart breaking devastation-type of let down; and I took it hard.

I  am nervous. Why am I so nervous? I've been here before. We've done this already.

I am scared.

I am so afraid of being let down again; the pain and what it does to me emotionally when this doesn't work, is torture. I wish that I knew how to make it go away.

I just can't stop thinking about how it felt when I got that news last time.

And not to mention, these are our last two embryos; What if it doesn't work, again?

Everyone keeps saying that I need to be positive. I feel like I have tried and tried to be positive and it never works out in my favor.

But then on the other hand, I don't want to be negative... That's just stupid.

Either way, I lose. Why does it have to be this way? How can I just be nothing? I just don't want to feel anything about this right now. It is killing me.

How on earth can anyone possibly understand how this feels? I mean, I know that there are millions of people out there that are going through the same thing or something similar, but somehow, I feel so alone. And it's not like I am actually alone. I have Mr. H; I have my family and friends... and still, I am so lonely.

I am excited, nervous, scared and lonely.

My days are filled with anxiety and my nights are filled with sleepless terror. 

I fear the unknown and I am terrified of having to experience the same feelings as last time.

I am anxious to get transfer done, but I am losing sleep over knowing that the two week wait is coming afterwards. 

I am working on controlling my emotions, but I worry that by doing so I am pulling away from the people that I need the most and I am afraid that they won't understand or forgive me later.

And poor Mr. H, I can't even imagine what he's feeling; just watching me get worked into a frenzy over all of this. And I read the other day
that I need to find different avenues to let my frustration out and that venting to him every day is not the best for our relationship. The last thing I want is to hurt us in the process. After all, we both want the same things and we are going through this together.


But in order to support him, I have got to get myself together!!

Luckily, God knew I needed help. He knew I was falling apart and He sent a sweet, familiar, voice my way.

So, I talked with one of my best friends yesterday and she told me that I have to stop letting the bully inside of me control who I am and how I treat myself.

She made an excellent point about how being this hard on myself is the worst thing I can do. How, if she spoke to me the way my inner bully does we would not be friends; I would hate her.

How can I expect anyone else to want to be around me if I don't even like being around me?

The emotions and feelings that come along with this ride are not always (or usually) great ones, but I am stronger than this. I am stronger than I think and I can overcome these feelings.

I can overcome this fear, this anxiety, and I can beat that bully. I can be normal and I can love myself.

I will be positive and I will be excited because transfers warrant excitement.

I will get my emotions under control and not beat myself up if I accidentally start crying when someone says the word, "crib."

I will be better, I will be happy, I will be grateful for what I do have, and I will love Amanda!

It is a little sad that I needed someone other than myself to tell me to love me, but I just think that sometimes we get so down on ourselves that we need a loved one to help pick us back up. You know, give us the friendly, but firm, nudge that we need to get it together.

That's what great friends are for and M, you are no exception. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and the swift kick in the booty that I needed to get my mind right. You're amazing and God is great for putting you in my life; always just when I need you the most.

Today, I am emotional. Tomorrow, I will do everything I can to be less emotional.

I will be a mom. I was born to be a mom.

I pray that now is my time and if it isn't, I will pick myself up and try again because I am strong and I can do it!