"Beta, What?"

Amanda Hobbs

"Beta, What?"
Thursday, September 03, 2015

After transfer we drove home where I was to be on bed rest for the remainder of the day. Mr. H was the best!

He made dinner for me, got me fro-yo and rubbed my feet. I just love that man!

The night of transfer I started feeling a little crampy and from what the doctors told me, that was a good sign.

I said my prayers, held my waist and sang to my little one. We were more excited now than we had ever been and nothing could bring us down!

The next nine days were amazing and torturous all at the same time. I swear time stopped and it felt like beta day would never get here.

So for those that don't know what a beta test is, it is a blood test that measures the HCG hormone that is produced by placenta cells. If you are pregnant you will have a beta number that is hopefully higher than 50 and if you aren't, you won't.

During this whole waiting period I was still taking my estrogen pills and my progesterone shots. These hormones are the ones that your body naturally produces when you are pregnant in order to support the pregnancy. Progesterone tells your body that you are pregnant so that the lining of the uterus will thicken in order to create a healthy environment for a baby to grow and to keep the uterus from shedding its lining.

Now that we've all had a lesson on hormones, I'll just jump to the part  about how they made me feel.

I was a crampy, cranky, mess of a woman. Everything made me cry, my boobs were ginormous and heavy... and they HURT! My skin was starting to look nicer (shocker, but this made me feel good) and I had a low grade fever of 99.2 pretty consistently throughout the whole nine days. My legs were getting cramps in them, like growing pains, starting on about day 4 and I started having night sweats around day 5. Then the hot flashes and headaches came full force.... Woah! I didn't expect those. I was miserable, but it is totally worth it, right?

So, for some women that do a five day frozen embryo transfer it is possible to start taking and getting a positive home pregnancy test around day 5 or 6. We did a six day frozen embryo transfer so I could have started home testing around day 4.

Before we went to transfer, Mr. H and I decided that we would wait the full nine days and have the doctors tell us the results of the beta. 

The thing is that we were so excited and nervous and we both know that home tests are not fully accurate all of the time. If we were to get a positive test at home and then when the beta came back negative we would be twice as devastated. And on the contrary, if it were a negative home test we would only be dragging out our misery. I feel like we would have seen the negative and still been hopeful that it was a false negative. So that would have been just as devastating if the beta was negative. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and wait for the right answer.

So I felt pregnant and I was super confident. I went in on the morning of August 26th and gave my blood with no hesitation. I mean my heart was racing and I was a nervous wreck the whole day but the day was finally here and I just knew it was going to be a good day.

I woke up early (which never happens) I dressed up and put a lot of work into my hair and makeup that day. It may sound stupid, but I was going to look pretty when I found out either way. Why? Because I know myself and with either result I was going to cry! Whether they were happy or sad tears, I was determined to look pretty while I did it!

Of course my clinic waited until after 4:00 to call me with the results. What a long day!

My phone rings and I immediately start freaking out. I was excited and scared to answer the phone. We've been praying for this moment and all that we've been through up until this point has lead us to this phone call. This is it. The whole conversation goes like this:


"Listen kid, we've got a negative test. I am sorry, really I am so sorry. We will try again next month. I know you aren't soaking any of this in right now; you probably aren't listening to me, so I will call you soon to get a game plan together. Again I am so sorry."

"Okay, thanks."

What?? What just happened?

I didn't know what to do. I just sat there silently crying. (Side note: I can't imagine how hard it must be to make that phone call over and over)

I wish I could tell you all of the things that were going through my mind in that moment. I couldn't help it, but I was just filled with so much hate and anger. Heartbreak is an understatement. I don't know how to explain the feelings I felt other than, that was truly the hardest thing I have ever had to hear and I was so mad. How do you get through this? How do you just pick up and move no to the next one? How am I supposed to handle going from cloud ten to zero? Nothing. Zilch.

I cried a lot, I think more than ever. (P.S. I didn't look pretty)

Of course I was not with Mr. H when the call came so I had to call him and tell him. I don't even know how I managed to get the words out. It was so unfair. I think the worst part of it all was that the hormones you have to take make you feel like you are pregnant. They mimic the symptoms of pregnancy and it's a cruel, cruel thing. I just knew I was pregnant.

I am not sure what God's plan is for our lives and even though I am so angry and constantly asking why this is happening to us, I know that I just have to trust that this is what is best for us at this time in our lives.

God has blessed me in so many ways, one of them being the incredible husband that I have.

Mr. H is the strongest man I know. He is my rock to lean on when I can't make myself stand and he is the glue that holds me together when I am falling apart.

This experience is really and truly the most mentally and emotionally grueling and tiring thing I have ever, ever been through and he has helped me keep my head above the water. He is really amazing.

I said before that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I still am but I think at times it is really hard to see what the reason is. Sometimes things happen in order to prevent something else from happening and sometimes things happen in order to protect you from whatever heartache could possibly follow. 

I can't say that I can see why this has happened to us, at least not yet. Maybe one day I will be able to look back and say "Oh yeah, that is why we didn't get pregnant then."  For now, it is still fresh. It is still an open wound. It hurts and I am still questioning why.

A friend said to me the other day, "Every soul has a purpose. There is a reason some souls don't make it and others do. God has a plan and he already knows which souls are meant to be your children..."

What she said stuck with me. I can only believe that the reason we aren't pregnant with the little one that was inside of me is because that particular soul wasn't meant to be my baby.

I have faith that one day I will hold a sweet baby in my arms and he or she will call me Mommy. It will happen for us, one day.

For now I will wait, pray and trust in the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;  and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6