"Beta #2"

Amanda Hobbs

"Beta #2"
Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Friday, November 20, 2015. I am 8 days past a 6 day frozen embryo transfer.

Well actually, let me back up to 5 days past transfer. So I told you that I would wait patiently and I am really sorry... I lied.

I couldn't wait. I took a home pregnancy test. I was so nervous. I always said I would never but I was just going crazy waiting. I am so impatient.

So, I peed on the stick and waited, very impatiently.

Of course the single red line showed through right away. I was really sad but I knew it was early, too early to start testing. Why did I do that to myself? Wait, wait a minute. The other line started to show through... It was very faint, but I could see it, it was there. Oh my gosh, could I be pregnant? Was this real? Oh thank you, Lord!

But, I should stay calm, it really is too early.

In the next two days I would look at that test about 85 times trying to decide if I thought I was crazy or not. And of course, I could not say a word to Mr. H or anyone for that matter.

Day 7. I knew that I would be having my beta on day 8, but I felt like I just wanted to see that little pink like again. It's like I was addicted. I needed to see it. So on the morning of day 7 I took another test, again the second pink line showed up, this time a little darker!! I was over the moon! I was more confident that day than any other day of my whole entire life!

Day 7- evening. Mr. H was at happy hour with some friends so I decided to take another test. Haha! This time I took a digital test because I know they are more sensitive. If this one said "pregnant" then I knew it for sure that I was not crazy and that I really was pregnant.

Once again, I peed on the stick and waited impatiently.....


This was the happiest day of my of my whole life! We have waited so long for this! So long!

So I decided to wait to tell Mr. H until after the beta test so that I knew for sure and it would be confirmed by the doctor. I could hardly contain myself.

Day 8-The next morning I got up and had my blood drawn. I waited all day and finally at about 3:30 I got the call.

The confirmation, she actually said the words, "you are pregnant!" This is a first; I couldn't wait to tell Mr. H!

She told me that we would repeat the labs on the following Monday to make sure that the hcg levels were rising like they were supposed to and that I should continue with all of the medications.

So, after we talked I had a very strange feeling come over me and I felt like I was questioning whether it was really true or not. I am not sure if I was in shock or if I was really feeling that way. Whatever it was, I didn't really like it, but I went home and gave Mr. H his surprise anyway. A long time ago, back when we first starting trying to get pregnant I bought this really cute onesie that says, "Daddy's little caddy" on the front. I wrapped it all up with a cute little bow and a sweet little note and I put my beautiful positive pregnancy test on the top. 

When I gave it to him, my heart melted! He cried and just held on to me so tight. I think that was the happiest I have ever seen him.

What a great feeling. I just love him with my whole heart.

Day 11- Monday Morning. Mr. H woke me up super early to tell me Happy Birthday! He was in the best mood ever!

I went in and had my blood drawn, the whole time praying as hard as I could. I don't know if I can tell you how many times I talked to God that weekend. Every chance I got, I was asking for this to be the real deal.

I guess it just wasn't our time.  Monday afternoon I found out that my hcg level dropped all the way down to 3.

I got the call and I was just stunned. I mean, I had a very weird suspicion on Friday,  but I hoped and prayed that it wasn't a real feeling. I wanted so bad to be positive. I needed to be positive. And then, BAM! Like a ton of bricks. The worst news I could possibly hear. How can you possibly be positive after that?

For all of those people that have had 4, 5 and 6 negative transfers, I don't know how you do it. How do you get through this over and over? This is my second time to have a negative test and my first time to actually be pregnant and then not, and I feel like I break down more and more each day. The worst part is that I can't control anything and there is no explanation as to why it isn't working. It just doesn't make sense and it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am an emotional person as it is, this process only intensifies those emotions and I feel like I am not capable of dealing with it at times. I know I am stronger than I think and I can handle anything that God throws my way, but right now it sure doesn't feel that way.

The nurse told me to stop my medications and that the doctor would call me a little later to talk with me about the next steps.

My doctor finally called me. He apologized and told me that he was there if I needed anything. He told me that I could call him when we were ready to try again and that he can't find a reason that this isn't working for me. He was very nice about all of it and I am grateful for that.

Mr. H has been very supportive and understanding through all of this. Not only did I take it harder this time, but he did too. I feel like this has been one of those hard times that people tell you about when you're getting married. We just have to love each other and be there when one needs to cry or vent or even yell. I don't know how I would do this if it weren't for him. 

We have decided that we are going to take a little time to let my body and mind get back to normal and then we'll try again.

In the meantime I'll probably continue to ask why this is happening and try with everything I have to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing.

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

One day....